With the recently traumatic rape incident in Delhi on 16th December, women in India have woken up to speak about violence and abuse towards girls and women in the community. There is this huge talk around capital punishment for the men who did it. Maybe that might give our collective anger and frustration a momentary relief.
What about that girl?
WIll it bring her back?
WIll she be normal ever again?
Will that solve the problem?
Maybe it might create more fear in men and boys towards behaving abusively towards women and girls in the public sphere. Is that what we want?
Is there a possibility of dialogue between men and women openly on this issue in India?
At the least I am glad that we have begun to recognize this issue in India and we are openly talking about it. But blaming men is not the solution!
Culturally our whole mindset needs to shift around sexuality. I grew up seeing and experiencing sexual abuse everywhere from the age of 11 or 12: the purposeful dashing of strangers into female bodies, the unseen creeping hands grabbing at breasts and genitals, displays of male genitalia, shameful comments by men on the sidewalk. I learned to sense sexual abuse like a sixth sense at a very young age without even directly being in it. It came as a strong feeling of restlessness—every hair in my body stood up, my stomach churned and tightened, my heartbeat and breath shifted. I knew danger was in close proximity and every time I did not act on that feeling, I regretted it afterwards. I have sometimes screamed, slapped, and hit men to protect my body and those of other women in public places.
I keep hearing this comment that
Who asked her to travel alone after dark?
Who asked women to wear exposed clothing?
She brought this on herself?
That is the most ridiculous thing to say. How are women to blame if men cannot keep their sexual urges in check? So according to you the solution would be to
lock your women inside homes,
cover them up from head to toe in clothes
control their sexuality
so men can functional normally?
There is something absolutely wrong about this! Being naked and nude is our most natural instinct. I am not saying that all the nudity we see portrayed by women nowadays comes from real empowerment. Many times I have seen women dressing provocatively to attract men's attention to specific areas of their body. But that is what we are socially informing our young men and women through movies, advertisement, magazines and even religious dogmas -- how to attract men!
Today we are living in a society which is fully dictating our gender roles and behavior, and even our perceptions around sexuality. Are we aware of this? We no longer know how to respond naturally and amorously to a woman or a man. We have lost our abilities to be sexual in an embodied way. We are merely responding to the patterns we have observed through media or learned through religious dogmas. Are we aware of this?
I recently completed my masters thesis on female sexuality and interviewing grandmothers from Kerala. They shared of a time (not more than sixty years ago) when women bathed naked in the kullams (or ponds) on one side while the men bathed on the other. They saw each other naked and there was no comments or abuse. In fact, according to the grandmothers, men of that time had such a sense of decency that they didn't even care to look. Sixty years later, today Kerala is leading in the statistics of violence towards women and girls? What happened to our men?
Maybe it could be because then in the culture sexuality(in Kerala) was so open and men and women were engaging in sexual contacts enough times that there was no repressed/violent sexual behavior from either sides. When are we going to start talking about sexuality openly and more importantly, the repressed sexuality of so many Indian men. Being in the United States, I have interacted with so many western women who talk about their experience with Indian men--how many Indian men confide in these women that they are too shameful to disclose their need to have sex with their wives because of the fear of being judged immoral and not spiritual.
Are we empowering our daughters sexually around their bodies, bodily fluids and changes? I myself grew up feeling that women do not have sexual urges. Maybe our sexual urges are different from men, but to make such concepts around sexuality is disturbing. Can we be natural about sexuality? It is an eminent part of our existence. Can we empower our boys and girls to be sexually respectful of each other and treat each other with loving care and tenderness?
What is our big issue around it? Why has sexuality become so shameful?
I just cannot understand it anymore.
Can we be natural about it?
Can we be sensitive about each others sexual urges and needs?
Can we be kind and patient towards the other in our sexuality?
Can we learn to be better lovers - honoring intimacy and sharing love in relationships?
Can we honor each other as men and women, and be considerate about our sexual desires or having no desires?
Until we as a society are willing to talk about sexuality openly - forget doing anything to bring down the violence towards women and girls?
It is not going to happen!
The Mayan culture says that starting today a new era is beginning that will be based on egalitarian relationships of balance (and not control) between men and women.
Is it possible?
Can we explore our relationships as men and women in a socially responsible, safe loving and compassionate way?
Is it possible?
ANy thoughts.. you are welcome to comment...
What about that girl?
WIll it bring her back?
WIll she be normal ever again?
Will that solve the problem?
Maybe it might create more fear in men and boys towards behaving abusively towards women and girls in the public sphere. Is that what we want?
Is there a possibility of dialogue between men and women openly on this issue in India?
At the least I am glad that we have begun to recognize this issue in India and we are openly talking about it. But blaming men is not the solution!
Culturally our whole mindset needs to shift around sexuality. I grew up seeing and experiencing sexual abuse everywhere from the age of 11 or 12: the purposeful dashing of strangers into female bodies, the unseen creeping hands grabbing at breasts and genitals, displays of male genitalia, shameful comments by men on the sidewalk. I learned to sense sexual abuse like a sixth sense at a very young age without even directly being in it. It came as a strong feeling of restlessness—every hair in my body stood up, my stomach churned and tightened, my heartbeat and breath shifted. I knew danger was in close proximity and every time I did not act on that feeling, I regretted it afterwards. I have sometimes screamed, slapped, and hit men to protect my body and those of other women in public places.
I keep hearing this comment that
Who asked her to travel alone after dark?
Who asked women to wear exposed clothing?
She brought this on herself?
That is the most ridiculous thing to say. How are women to blame if men cannot keep their sexual urges in check? So according to you the solution would be to
lock your women inside homes,
cover them up from head to toe in clothes
control their sexuality
so men can functional normally?
There is something absolutely wrong about this! Being naked and nude is our most natural instinct. I am not saying that all the nudity we see portrayed by women nowadays comes from real empowerment. Many times I have seen women dressing provocatively to attract men's attention to specific areas of their body. But that is what we are socially informing our young men and women through movies, advertisement, magazines and even religious dogmas -- how to attract men!
Today we are living in a society which is fully dictating our gender roles and behavior, and even our perceptions around sexuality. Are we aware of this? We no longer know how to respond naturally and amorously to a woman or a man. We have lost our abilities to be sexual in an embodied way. We are merely responding to the patterns we have observed through media or learned through religious dogmas. Are we aware of this?
I recently completed my masters thesis on female sexuality and interviewing grandmothers from Kerala. They shared of a time (not more than sixty years ago) when women bathed naked in the kullams (or ponds) on one side while the men bathed on the other. They saw each other naked and there was no comments or abuse. In fact, according to the grandmothers, men of that time had such a sense of decency that they didn't even care to look. Sixty years later, today Kerala is leading in the statistics of violence towards women and girls? What happened to our men?
Maybe it could be because then in the culture sexuality(in Kerala) was so open and men and women were engaging in sexual contacts enough times that there was no repressed/violent sexual behavior from either sides. When are we going to start talking about sexuality openly and more importantly, the repressed sexuality of so many Indian men. Being in the United States, I have interacted with so many western women who talk about their experience with Indian men--how many Indian men confide in these women that they are too shameful to disclose their need to have sex with their wives because of the fear of being judged immoral and not spiritual.
Are we empowering our daughters sexually around their bodies, bodily fluids and changes? I myself grew up feeling that women do not have sexual urges. Maybe our sexual urges are different from men, but to make such concepts around sexuality is disturbing. Can we be natural about sexuality? It is an eminent part of our existence. Can we empower our boys and girls to be sexually respectful of each other and treat each other with loving care and tenderness?
What is our big issue around it? Why has sexuality become so shameful?
I just cannot understand it anymore.
Can we be natural about it?
Can we be sensitive about each others sexual urges and needs?
Can we be kind and patient towards the other in our sexuality?
Can we learn to be better lovers - honoring intimacy and sharing love in relationships?
Can we honor each other as men and women, and be considerate about our sexual desires or having no desires?
Until we as a society are willing to talk about sexuality openly - forget doing anything to bring down the violence towards women and girls?
It is not going to happen!
The Mayan culture says that starting today a new era is beginning that will be based on egalitarian relationships of balance (and not control) between men and women.
Is it possible?
Can we explore our relationships as men and women in a socially responsible, safe loving and compassionate way?
Is it possible?
ANy thoughts.. you are welcome to comment...
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